How to communicate effectively in intimate relationships (Article)
What is intimacy?
In order to discuss communication in intimate relationships, we must first identify what is intimacy. A truly intimate relationship is something that we all crave, I might even argue that intimacy is key to survival. But what is intimacy? Tracking the origin of this word can help us understand what intimacy is.
The Latin word intimus means ‘innermost’ and intimare means to ‘to make the innermost known”. The English word intimate defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary is “ intrinsic, essential; belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature”. With this put together, attachment psychologist Jude Cassidy shares the view that being intimate addresses the sharing of one’s deepest nature, innermost self, the core of one’s being – Taking this and meeting another one’s core, heart, all the maintaining tolerance and acceptance (2001). Here’s the catch, before you can get to the sharing of your core, you have to know and understand your core.
Does this sound easy or hard? As a mental health practitioner, I’m all for this style of communication, but I know there are people out there who never share their true inner voice to anyone else in life.
Give a read to the below example conversation between a couple, with the (brackets and italics) being inner thought.
Steve: Oh man it’s finally Friday, I can’t wait to take this weekend trip together.
(Man I’ve been so exhausted this week, things at work have been crazy, boss is breathing down my neck more and more, I’m really not looking forward to waking up at 6am tomorrow to catch that flight, I can’t tell her that, I know she’s been really looking forward to this, I better spit out my A game this weekend).
Michelle: Me too! This weekend is going to be awesome, we deserve it.
(I look forward to it…but I have really slacked it off with exercise lately, I won’t look good in my bikini at the beach, and oh my belly fat…what if he won’t find me attractive like he used to)
Steve: Let’s get to bed early so we can be fresh tomorrow.
(My neck and back pain is really killing me…Maybe I should take another advil to help me get to sleep)
Michelle: Ok…yes that’s a good idea.
(He’s being like this again….lately it feels like he doesn’t even want to talk with me, the minute he comes home it’s phone time then bed time).
Steve: Do we have everything packed for tomorrow? Ordered cab ready to go in the morning?
(I wonder what she spends her day doing, she didn’t check in on me at all today, I guess she expects me to be fine no matter what and take care of things.)
Michelle: Uh….yes everything is packed but I haven’t booked the ride to the airport yet, I was thinking of doing that in the morning
(I found this nice coffee place on the way to the airport I was wondering if he’d be interested, but we’d have to set out earlier….but maybe not he tends to like to sleep in… ).
Steve: Ugh….ok yea that’s fine, thanks for packing, I’ll order the car now.
(I have to take care of everything, again! Does my needs not matter? I am tired of being the caretaker)
Michelle: oh ok, I’ll go brush my teeth, turn off the lights if you need.
(He hasn’t touched me in that way in a long time, he barely looks directly at me now, does he still want me?…….I think last time we had sex was ….2 months ago? maybe we’ll get into the mood on this holiday).
Steve: ok yea, come to bed soon.
(This sucks, she always spends ages in the bathroom and leave me to go to bed alone… It feels like we are roommates)
How do you feel reading that? How do you think the couple could interact differently? Do you speak and think different things too with your partner? In this example conversation Steve and Michelle both had clear inner thoughts, do you know your inner thoughts clearly like that?
To be honest how many of us communicate openly with ourselves on a daily basis, let alone communicating openly with others. The demands of current society have set us up to fail in terms of achieving intimacy. No matter the gender, but much more so for men, we are told to bring forth our best self during interactions, to show no vulnerability, show stable emotions; but that’s not human! It is natural for us to struggle with our standing in society, with our wavering feelings of being loved or accepted, to want to ask if our partner still loves us like in the beginning, to not be sure about the future. When we hide all that inner struggle, we are putting up a shell, we feel like we are pretending to be another person, we don’t feel authentic. When you only show a front to other’s that isn’t your true self, you start to feel distant and unseen.
To be vulnerable on the other hand, carries a risk, a risk of being rejected, of not being responded to in the way that you want, of being let down. Oh gosh, that’s really scary – that risk of putting your heart out there and receiving no return. What makes it extra hard for us to be vulnerable, is the tendency for shame to be attached to this equation. Brené Brown, the internet sensation and world renowned researcher on shame, vulnerability and empathy writes prolifically on this topic. She shares in that in her observation – “Women, who feel shame when they don’t feel heard or validated, often resort to pushing and provoking with criticism(“why don’t you ever do enough” or “ You never get it right”). Men in turn, who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke and provoke more) or come back with anger.” (Brown, 2015, pp.104). Though there is a binary gender stereotype in this example, this dynamic can be seen in same-sex or non-binary couples too.
I see blocks to being vulnerable all the time in my own therapy practice when working with couples. Not knowing what one really wants inside, expecting the other to not understand and have given up on communicating authentically, a knee jerk reaction to explain oneself (being defensive) or fight back with anger, long term disengagement with own emotions and hyper focus on logic and thoughts. All this brings together the perfect recipe for a couples’ blizzard – painful and cold.
The Solution? –
Obviously, the solution is to open up, to talk about your true feelings, not just speaking for your urge to criticize, but also what your fear is, what your deep desires are. Before you rush to defend yourself in a frenzy of feeling hurt, try to listen to your partner, try to extend yourself and validate them. Remember the love that brought you together, draw out your empathy and find your capacity to think about things from your loved one’s perspective. Remember that you are partners and not enemies.
I love this quote from Dr. Brown – “Masks makes us feel safer even when they become suffocating. Armor makes us feel stronger even when we grow weary from dragging the extra weight around”. (pp – 113). This quote sums it up so nicely. Maintaining that hardened exterior when you’re outside the home maybe a requirement in some people’s professional lives, depending on what you do for a living, or if you must maintain connections with people you don’t trust. Although I will argue it is always more satisfying to live your authentic self no matter what setting of life you are in, professional, family, or friends.
Here we discuss the importance of being vulnerable, especially when you’re inside the home with your supposed most trusted person. If you’ve read up to here, consider this :
- If you feel safe at home, for whatever reason, you wore masks and armors just because you never knew the importance to sharing your inner self with your partner, and would like to try doing so, that’s awesome! Have a crack at it!
- If you feel the need to maintain a shell of protection for yourself even your intimate partner, why is that? Does your partner have a role to play in making you unsafe? Or do you feel a lack of safety where-ever you go? That would be an interesting route for you to ponder more on.
The outlier – Anger
One of the number 1 blocks to being vulnerable – anger. Where does anger come from? Feeling unsafe. From an evolutionary point of view, every emotion exists because it aided our survival in some way. Anger as an emotion remains in our system for its unique function of making us “stronger”, it allows us to protect ourselves in ways that we can’t normally, and prioritize ourselves in a situation. So it stems from a place of feeling small, of feeling disregarded, unheard, and unseen. If you are in control of your anger – as in you know why you got angry and you don’t regret what you said or did under that state, kudos to you, that is healthy anger. However, if your anger is automatic and not under reign, your partner tells you about hurtful things you said but you can’t even recall having said those words, or say or do things that when you calm down would be consider over the top, then consider the below…
Anger can get the better of us, bringing our better selves offline. The part of our brain that governs our logic, self-inhibition, future planning and self-control – the frontal lobe can be “hijacked” if our amygdala (lays in the brain’s emotional center, responsible for fear and stress response) perceives significant threat. That’s why I always say, when you are riled up, don’t try to have any serious discussions, take a time out and set a mutually agreed upon time to talk when you are both calm with your frontal lobes back online.
When we don’t feel safe, when we anticipate rejection – we also use anger and criticism in our communication. We mask our fear of let down in snipes and contempt, we play down our hope and desires in “I don’t care”. These communication tactics ultimately do not help you get what you really want (unless you are trying to break up). They only push your partner further away from you, hurt them, or make them feel that you don’t care about them.
Resources for how to communicate about difficult topics safely
Non-violent Communication
There are books, videos, many articles, and workshops in different languages. Non-violent communication provides an easy to replicate formular for communication that teaches expressing yourself in terms of describing a situation objectively, identifying and sharing your own emotions, sharing a request or desire, and asking if the other is willing to do as requested (they are allowed to say no!). There are many resources out there on this, feel free to do some research.
4 Horseman of the Apocalypse and their Antidotes by Gottman
The Gottman institute is a research institute on marriage, family and couples, through observation of thousands of couples, they identified 4 key communication styles that accurately predicts the failure of peoples’ relationships. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. You can also read more about these on their own website and various other places. They also have books, articles, youtube videos that are easy to watch. (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
By SIMHA member Jenny Yang
Reference
Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.
Cassidy, J. (2001). Truth, lies, and intimacy: An attachment perspective. Attachment & human development, 3(2), 121-155.