Shall We Stop Pretending?

When a woman stops faking orgasms, how will her relationship change? What will that kind of relationship be like?

In tango, if the follower stops pretending to understand the leader, can they still dance? How will they stay in sync?

If both dancers stop managing their expressions and actions, can their true selves be freely seen between them and on the dance floor?

Back to relationships: if I stop caring about what others think, what kind of partner will I choose? How will I show our relationship in public?

*Leader: The person who leads in tango (traditionally male); Follower: The. person who follows in tango (traditionally female)

“Followers， stop being nice to your partner. If you do not know what he wants you to do, stop doing the step on your own!” The male teacher told the group of Tango learners in one group lesson. ”

When you do the steps on your own, your partner would never know and learn how to give the signals right.”

The female teacher followed, “Tango is the social dance, and we are learning the social dance, not stage tango, not for the competition. When we do stage tango or compete, we need to take care of each other to perform certain steps. But in the social dance, we respond to what we receive! Be Honest here.”

I remember reading a story online once…

Zhenzhen met up with her long-lost best friend, Maggie, and her fiancé, George, at an Italian restaurant. When George ordered pesto pasta, which Zhenzhen knew Maggie had always disliked, Zhenzhen looked puzzled. Maggie, however, said nothing, gazing adoringly at George. While George was away taking a phone call, Zhenzhen teased, ‘Wow! Is this true love or what? I remember you never liked pesto! How come you love it when George orders it?’

Maggie smiled wryly, a hint of resignation in her voice. ‘Well, on our first date, he said the pesto at that restaurant was particularly delicious and wanted me to try it. It was pretty good, so I politely said I liked it, you know, since it was our first date! Who knew he’d keep ordering it every time we went to an Italian restaurant…’

‘But you could tell him! You clearly love creamy white sauce. Why not be honest?’ Zhenzhen blurted out.

‘Ah, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just once in a while. Why make a fuss over everything?’ Maggie replied.

Years later, as Zhenzhen comforted Maggie after her divorce, Maggie said wistfully, ‘I think people need to be honest with themselves. I always felt like some things weren’t worth mentioning. I accommodated George to make him happy and avoid arguments, because relationships require compromise. But over time… it became really hard. I felt frustrated and stifled. When I finally snapped, he was completely taken aback, clueless about what was going on. He thought I was overreacting and being too emotional — that everything had been fine before, so why was I suddenly exploding! He never stopped to consider if he might have done something wrong…’

‘Yeah, if you don’t tell the truth at the beginning, it becomes harder and harder to bring up later, but the discomfort builds up. If you’re always the one compromising, an explosion is almost inevitable. He…probably never knew how you really felt, and just assumed you were enjoying it and happy all along,’ Zhenzhen said.”

Erin B. Cooper, a clinical psychologist at the Center for Marital and Sexual Health, who conducted research on women’s faking of orgasms, indicated:

According to the analytic result of the 481 heterosexual female undergraduates’ (average age 20.33 years) answers on the Female Orgasm Scale (FOS), 4 main reasons for faking orgasms were identified:

(1) Altruistic Deceit, faking orgasm out of concern for a partner’s feelings;

(2) Fear and Insecurity, faking orgasm to avoid negative emotions associated with the sexual experience;

(3) Elevated Arousal, a woman’s attempt to increase her own arousal through faking orgasm; and (4) Sexual Adjournment, faking orgasm to end sex.

Perhaps, this phenomenon isn’t limited to sex. In couple relationship or tango, people may fake satisfaction or pretend understanding for similar reasons: pretending to like something or be happy out of love/care or fear of losing the relationship; forcing oneself to complete a dance step to avoid being seen as a poor dancer; or simply wanting a “graceful exit,” to quickly end an awkward situation or find a new partner.

However, expressing one’s true feelings is not easy. Even knowing the importance of “being honest with ourselves,” many factors must be considered in practice, making it impossible to simply adhere to the principle of “saying what you really think.”

So, how do we find the balance?”

Ch Huang, Counselor